Hey, it has been a while...another season is upon us, so that means it is time to breakdown the current MexFL standings with movie quotes. We are getting out of the chute with a classic, Boogie Nights...because a lot of teams are already effed out and we are only in week 3....
8. "You're not the boss of me, Jack. You're not the king of Dirk. I'm the boss of me. I'm the king of me. I'm Dirk Diggler. I'm the star. It's my big d**k and I say when we roll." - Pigskinheads: For some reason, I envision Phillip Rivers having this same kind of meltdown with Norv Turner when Turner tells him it is a bad idea to throw into triple coverage in the end zone. Anyway, the Pigskinheads are in some serious trouble at 0-3 and no real help at RB or TE. Unless Bill Belichek decides to actually run the ball, Green-Ellis is about as useful as Dirk Diggler after a three day coke binge.
7. "I'm looking forward to seeing you in action. Jack says you've got a great big c*ck." - Sleestacks: The Sleestacks have a good team, unfortunately they also like to leave a lot of points on the bench. So, until Mister Sleestack gets it together and puts a winning line up together they will be mired near the bottom of the standings.
6. "He's got coke and he's got cash, in that safe, in that bedroom and if we leave here without it, man we're f*ckin' idiots, man! We came here to motherf*ckin' do something and we can f*cking do it, alright? Are you with me?" - Vugs: Chris Johnson held the Titans hostage over the summer, demanded all the money and coke they had in the safe, and walked away with a sweetheart deal for a smallish back who's entire game is built on speed. Now, you tell me...is it a good idea to give big time guaranteed money to a RB, regardless of production, in the NFL right now? I say 'no', and in a resounding manner. Yes, the running game is important, in the NFL and fantasy, but Chris Johnson had a fluke of a 2,000 yard season and hasn't come close to sniffing the ass of 1,400 yards since....
5. "This is TWICE in two days that a chick has OD'd on me! Colonel James: [rapidly] Well, do you think this means that maybe ya oughta think about getting some new shit? Whaddya ya think?" - Krakhos: Jamaal Charles was lost for the season in week 1, Frank Gore has been about as reliable as Al Gore has been about climate change (not very). I'm not willing to count the Krakhos out of anything yet, this team is too good with too many play makers to count out...but something has gotta change luck wise for these guys.
4. "Stop saying pornography! Why are you doing this to me? I am an actor! I am an actor!" - ChiliCheeseBigTops: Ryan Fitzpatrick was all but relegated to the NFL trash heap for having gone to Harvard. Buffalo is currently sitting at 3-0 after Fitz shook off some early poor decisions and outplayed Tom 'UGGS' Brady down the stretch of last week's game. You are goddamn right that Ryan Fitzpatrick is goddamn actor, so pay the man Buffalo!
3. "You know, people tell me I kind of look like Han Solo." - Honey Faces: The Faces are hanging in there, winning games like the space pirates they are. How a team so heavy on Dallas Cowboys and WRs with the last name of Johnson is sitting so pretty is kind of beyond me. In the Faces world, Han not only shot first, he didn't wait for Greedo to stop monologue-ing.
2. "Start down low with a 350 cube, three and a quarter horsepower, 4-speed, 4:10 gears, ten coats of competition orange, hand-rubbed lacquer with a huplane manifold, full f*ckin' race cams...whoo!!!" - Thunderfoot Weavers: The Weavers are lapping the field point wise, and they definitely have the horsepower to blow the doors off of any team during any week....but with so many Red Cross signs next to key players and Kenny Britt being lost for the year, are we looking at Dirk's 'Vette when he first purchased it, or the same 'Vette at the end of the movie with dents and the low gas indicator blinking in the dash?
1. "What can you expect when you're on top? You know? It's like Napoleon. When he was the king, you know, people were just constantly trying to conquer him, you know, in the Roman Empire. So, it's history repeating itself all over again." - Whiskey Shivers: It's early, but hey, I'll take being king right now 'cause I don't think it is going to last much longer....
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Thursday, September 1, 2011
My Prediction? Pain....
I have zero hope that the Seahawks are going to have a winning record this season. In fact, I don't see 6 wins on the docket for the Hawks...and that's me being generous. This just isn't a good team, not with Russell Okung doing his best Greg Oden impression (bust!) and an offensive line that is the Wikileaks of the NFL. Tavaris Jackson looks lost, but he's running for his life on every snap...Whitehurst might be our only hope. Let that sink in. Marshawn Lynch gathered up a ton of political capital with that earthquake inducing run he broke off against the Saints in he post season, but lets not start thinking he'll be much better than he was last year. Sidney Rice was a nice addition, but free agent WRs come to Seattle to die. Let's break this down:
Week 1: Seattle @ San Francisco - If Alex Smith is remotely decent in this game, the Niners win. The Hawks are a terrible road team, so if Smith can manage the game, feed Gore the ball, and not do anything stupid, it's a loss for Seattle. I'm taking the Niners in this one 20 - 13.
Week 2: Seattle @ Pittsburgh - Holy hell, this is going to be a thrashing. Seattle is going to get embarrassed in this game and Tavaris Jackson might get literally sacked to death. As much as I hate the Steelers, I like what they have done on offense. They have legit playmakers at WR plus Hines Ward. Mendenhall is poised to have a big year and the defense is solid. Steelers 34, Seattle 9.
Week 3: Arizona @ Seattle - Seattle usually plays Arizona tough at home, so this could be the Hawks chance to put one in the W column. However, this is a Cardinals team with a much better QB than they had last year and a revamped running game. Whitehurst takes the start for Seattle and dinks and dunks them to a thrilling victory...or as thrilling as a dink and dunk effort can be. Seattle 24, Arizona 21
Week 4: Atlanta @ Seattle - The good feelings don't last long at the Clink as the Dirty Birds roll into town and throttle the boys in blue. Julio Jones will be a must start this week against Seattle's underwhelming secondary. Look for him and Roddy White to both go 100 yards in this one. Michael Turner and Jaquizz Rodgers both find the end zone...Atlanta 41, Seattle 10.
Week 5: Seattle @ New York Giants - The Giants are going to be looking for a little payback for the times Seattle humiliated them at the old Qwest Field. While the G-Men are a dysfunctional mess and Eli Manning looks shakier than a meth addict needing a hit, they still have a good defense. Seattle's offense is not good. The New York football Giants win this one, but it's closer than it looks. New York 27, Seattle 16.
Week 6: Seattle @ Cleveland - Cleveland will be without Peyton Hillis in this game as the Madden curse blows his knee out in in game 3. This might be one of Seattle's only road wins of the year, and it's an ugly one. Seattle 13, Cleveland 10.
Week 7: Cincinnati @ Seattle - If Seattle can't beat the Bengals at home...well, they won't be able to beat anyone else at home all season. Seattle 30, Cincinnati 6
Week 8: Seattle @ Dallas - Back in 1980, the Dallas Cowboys beat the Seahawks 51 to 7. If Dallas lives up to their hype, they could throttle Seattle in a similar fashion...Dallas 44, Seattle 13
Week 9: Baltimore @ Seattle - Ray Lewis takes three lives as the Ravens pound Seattle with Ray Rice, Lee Evans, and Anquan Boldin...Elvis Grbac could come out of retirement and win this game for Baltimore. Let's move on...Baltimore 35, Seattle 16.
Week 10: Seattle @ St. Louis - This Rams team is frisky, to say the least. If Bradford and the WR corp is healthy, this could be a long game for Seattle. They don't play well historically in St. Louis, don't look for things to change here. St. Louis, behind a steady diet of Steven Jackson, wins this one 24-20...and it's not that close.
Week 11: Washington @ Seattle - The Redskins might be the worst team in the NFL and they play poorly when flying to the West Coast. Seattle wins this one going away with their best offensive showing of the season, Seattle 34, Washington 9.
Week 12: Philadelphia @ Seattle - Oh my, the dream team in Seattle! Mike Vick puts on a Tecmo Bowl performance, Maclin and McCoy run circles around Seattle defenders, and the Philly corners shut down everything but the beer stands...Philly 38, Seattle 13.
Week 13: St. Louis @ Seattle - Seattle bounces back and beats St. Louis at home. But it isn't pretty...Seattle 20, St. Louis 14.
Week 14: Seattle @ Chicago - Yeah, Seattle at Chicago...the Monsters of the Midway version the P*ssies of Puget Sound. While the Bears defense is getting long in the tooth, they can still hit and fly to the ball. The internal bleeding Tavaris Jackson has been suffering after getting pounded senseless in week 2 may have finally subsided by this point. Seattle will need Jackson's mobility. Lynch is a non-factor and Golden Tate is officially declared missing. Chicago 29, Seattle 3.
Week 15: San Francisco @ Seattle - Again, if Alex Smith doesn't go full retard, the Niners will have a chance. Frank Gore will be out with a pulled ass muscle, limiting the Niners options. At this point, Seattle is playing for pride in their last home game, giving them the edge. Seattle 24, San Francisco 13.
Week 16: The season comes to a merciful end in Arizona...with a sound thrashing. Get used to hearing this by the 3rd Quarter...'Kolb drops back, looks up field..Fitzgerald with the catch at the 35, crosses the 40 to the 45...all daylight from here...touchdown Cardinals!' Arizona 34, Seattle 6.
Wow, I scratched out 6 wins for Seattle...not sure if that is going to happen as the Cleveland game is a toss....it's going to be a long season....
Week 1: Seattle @ San Francisco - If Alex Smith is remotely decent in this game, the Niners win. The Hawks are a terrible road team, so if Smith can manage the game, feed Gore the ball, and not do anything stupid, it's a loss for Seattle. I'm taking the Niners in this one 20 - 13.
Week 2: Seattle @ Pittsburgh - Holy hell, this is going to be a thrashing. Seattle is going to get embarrassed in this game and Tavaris Jackson might get literally sacked to death. As much as I hate the Steelers, I like what they have done on offense. They have legit playmakers at WR plus Hines Ward. Mendenhall is poised to have a big year and the defense is solid. Steelers 34, Seattle 9.
Week 3: Arizona @ Seattle - Seattle usually plays Arizona tough at home, so this could be the Hawks chance to put one in the W column. However, this is a Cardinals team with a much better QB than they had last year and a revamped running game. Whitehurst takes the start for Seattle and dinks and dunks them to a thrilling victory...or as thrilling as a dink and dunk effort can be. Seattle 24, Arizona 21
Week 4: Atlanta @ Seattle - The good feelings don't last long at the Clink as the Dirty Birds roll into town and throttle the boys in blue. Julio Jones will be a must start this week against Seattle's underwhelming secondary. Look for him and Roddy White to both go 100 yards in this one. Michael Turner and Jaquizz Rodgers both find the end zone...Atlanta 41, Seattle 10.
Week 5: Seattle @ New York Giants - The Giants are going to be looking for a little payback for the times Seattle humiliated them at the old Qwest Field. While the G-Men are a dysfunctional mess and Eli Manning looks shakier than a meth addict needing a hit, they still have a good defense. Seattle's offense is not good. The New York football Giants win this one, but it's closer than it looks. New York 27, Seattle 16.
Week 6: Seattle @ Cleveland - Cleveland will be without Peyton Hillis in this game as the Madden curse blows his knee out in in game 3. This might be one of Seattle's only road wins of the year, and it's an ugly one. Seattle 13, Cleveland 10.
Week 7: Cincinnati @ Seattle - If Seattle can't beat the Bengals at home...well, they won't be able to beat anyone else at home all season. Seattle 30, Cincinnati 6
Week 8: Seattle @ Dallas - Back in 1980, the Dallas Cowboys beat the Seahawks 51 to 7. If Dallas lives up to their hype, they could throttle Seattle in a similar fashion...Dallas 44, Seattle 13
Week 9: Baltimore @ Seattle - Ray Lewis takes three lives as the Ravens pound Seattle with Ray Rice, Lee Evans, and Anquan Boldin...Elvis Grbac could come out of retirement and win this game for Baltimore. Let's move on...Baltimore 35, Seattle 16.
Week 10: Seattle @ St. Louis - This Rams team is frisky, to say the least. If Bradford and the WR corp is healthy, this could be a long game for Seattle. They don't play well historically in St. Louis, don't look for things to change here. St. Louis, behind a steady diet of Steven Jackson, wins this one 24-20...and it's not that close.
Week 11: Washington @ Seattle - The Redskins might be the worst team in the NFL and they play poorly when flying to the West Coast. Seattle wins this one going away with their best offensive showing of the season, Seattle 34, Washington 9.
Week 12: Philadelphia @ Seattle - Oh my, the dream team in Seattle! Mike Vick puts on a Tecmo Bowl performance, Maclin and McCoy run circles around Seattle defenders, and the Philly corners shut down everything but the beer stands...Philly 38, Seattle 13.
Week 13: St. Louis @ Seattle - Seattle bounces back and beats St. Louis at home. But it isn't pretty...Seattle 20, St. Louis 14.
Week 14: Seattle @ Chicago - Yeah, Seattle at Chicago...the Monsters of the Midway version the P*ssies of Puget Sound. While the Bears defense is getting long in the tooth, they can still hit and fly to the ball. The internal bleeding Tavaris Jackson has been suffering after getting pounded senseless in week 2 may have finally subsided by this point. Seattle will need Jackson's mobility. Lynch is a non-factor and Golden Tate is officially declared missing. Chicago 29, Seattle 3.
Week 15: San Francisco @ Seattle - Again, if Alex Smith doesn't go full retard, the Niners will have a chance. Frank Gore will be out with a pulled ass muscle, limiting the Niners options. At this point, Seattle is playing for pride in their last home game, giving them the edge. Seattle 24, San Francisco 13.
Week 16: The season comes to a merciful end in Arizona...with a sound thrashing. Get used to hearing this by the 3rd Quarter...'Kolb drops back, looks up field..Fitzgerald with the catch at the 35, crosses the 40 to the 45...all daylight from here...touchdown Cardinals!' Arizona 34, Seattle 6.
Wow, I scratched out 6 wins for Seattle...not sure if that is going to happen as the Cleveland game is a toss....it's going to be a long season....
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Week 12 Power Poll
Yeah, yeah, I hear ya...it's been like a month since the last power poll...what can I tell ya, I've got lots of stuff going on....anyhoo, here is the Week 12 Power Poll, brought to you by the immortal Walt Kowalski character from 'Gran Torino':
8. "Excuse me Sir, I need a haircut if you ain't too busy you old Italian son of a bitch prick barber. Boy, does my ass hurt from all of the guys at my construction job." - The Vugs: Oh, Vugs...what to make of your season? It is one of the all time snake bitten seasons. On paper this team has some talent, but there has been no consistency whatsoever. Percy 'Excedrin' Harvin is great one week, and then disappears.
7. "Take these three items, some WD-40, a vise grip, and a roll of duct tape. Any man worth his salt can fix almost any problem with this stuff alone." - Whiskey Shivers: Aye caramba! This team has players dropping faster than Jonestown Kool Aid enthusiasts...and Randy Moss is visibly decomposing on the field as he halfheartedly runs routs with a giant pitchfork in his back. The Shivers season is going to come down to hoping for points from a white RB that may or may not have a touch of Down's Syndrome, a rehabilitated dog fighter, a rookie TE, and the Ravens defense. Toby Gerhardt is the duct tape of my lineup.
6. "You're wrong, egg roll, I know exactly what I'm talking about. I may not be the most pleasant person to be around, but I got the best woman who was ever on this planet to marry me. I worked at it, it was the best thing ever happened to me. Hands down. But you, you know, you're letting Click-Clack, Ding-Dong and Charlie Chan just walk out with Miss What's-her-face." - Krakhos: If any team owner should be screaming, 'Sweet Jiminy Bitchwhistle, what do I have to do to put together a 2 game winning streak?!?!', it's the 'Hos. This is another team that is much better on paper than their record indicates, but Chris Johnson had about as much impact last week as I did...and I wasn't even playing. Nope, I was falling off a ladder trying to string Christmas lights...and I still had as many fantasy points as Chris Johnson. You want to save your job, Coach Fisher? Well, put me in...look at me, I can be....centerfield!
5. "I'm surprised you're still around. I was always hoping you'd die off and they'd get someone in here that knew what the hell they were doing. Instead, you're just hanging around like the doo-wop dago you are." - Honey Faces: The decision to start the Redskins defense over the Jets defense hurt in a big way. Not that the Faces would have won, but teams in the middle of the pack need points...and the Faces left 23 of them on the bench. This team can still sneak into the playoffs with a win, points, and a loss or two from the teams up ahead of them....
4. "Oh, I've got one. A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored guy go into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Get the f*ck out of here."- Pigskinheads: Yeah, that quote doesn't really have a lot to do with the Pigs, but I thought it was funny. In fact, I told that joke to my diversity sensitivity trainer during new hire orientation at my new job. She thought it was so funny she burst into tears. Good times, great oldies....
3. "And I'd like to leave my 1972 Gran Torino to... my friend... Thao Vang Lor. On the condition that you don't chop-top the roof like one of those beaners, don't paint any idiotic flames on it like some white trash hillbilly, and don't put a big, gay spoiler on the rear end like you see on all the other zipperheads' cars. It just looks like hell. If you can refrain from doing any of that... it's yours." - Thunderfoot Weavers: The Weavers are in a very precarious position...they could get knocked out of the money round by losses or points as they are one win up on the pack, but are 6th in the league in total points scored. If the Weavers are going to want to make it to the post-season they are going to need to win at least one more game and score enough points to win the tie breaker. They should be able to put away the Shivers this week, but then they have to play the chaotic Faces to close out the season....
2. "Ever notice how you come across somebody once in a while you shouldn't have f*cked with? That's me.' - Sleestacks: This is no team, it is a war machine...I really don't want to offend Jo right now, so I'm going to stop writing....
1. "I once fixed a door that wasn't even broken yet." - ChiliCheeseBigTops: Hey, thanks for c*ck blocking me on Brian Westbrook this morning! That was a sly move...now I gotta hope the corn fed cracker boy special needs RB for the Vikings can remember which end zone to run towards...
8. "Excuse me Sir, I need a haircut if you ain't too busy you old Italian son of a bitch prick barber. Boy, does my ass hurt from all of the guys at my construction job." - The Vugs: Oh, Vugs...what to make of your season? It is one of the all time snake bitten seasons. On paper this team has some talent, but there has been no consistency whatsoever. Percy 'Excedrin' Harvin is great one week, and then disappears.
7. "Take these three items, some WD-40, a vise grip, and a roll of duct tape. Any man worth his salt can fix almost any problem with this stuff alone." - Whiskey Shivers: Aye caramba! This team has players dropping faster than Jonestown Kool Aid enthusiasts...and Randy Moss is visibly decomposing on the field as he halfheartedly runs routs with a giant pitchfork in his back. The Shivers season is going to come down to hoping for points from a white RB that may or may not have a touch of Down's Syndrome, a rehabilitated dog fighter, a rookie TE, and the Ravens defense. Toby Gerhardt is the duct tape of my lineup.
6. "You're wrong, egg roll, I know exactly what I'm talking about. I may not be the most pleasant person to be around, but I got the best woman who was ever on this planet to marry me. I worked at it, it was the best thing ever happened to me. Hands down. But you, you know, you're letting Click-Clack, Ding-Dong and Charlie Chan just walk out with Miss What's-her-face." - Krakhos: If any team owner should be screaming, 'Sweet Jiminy Bitchwhistle, what do I have to do to put together a 2 game winning streak?!?!', it's the 'Hos. This is another team that is much better on paper than their record indicates, but Chris Johnson had about as much impact last week as I did...and I wasn't even playing. Nope, I was falling off a ladder trying to string Christmas lights...and I still had as many fantasy points as Chris Johnson. You want to save your job, Coach Fisher? Well, put me in...look at me, I can be....centerfield!
5. "I'm surprised you're still around. I was always hoping you'd die off and they'd get someone in here that knew what the hell they were doing. Instead, you're just hanging around like the doo-wop dago you are." - Honey Faces: The decision to start the Redskins defense over the Jets defense hurt in a big way. Not that the Faces would have won, but teams in the middle of the pack need points...and the Faces left 23 of them on the bench. This team can still sneak into the playoffs with a win, points, and a loss or two from the teams up ahead of them....
4. "Oh, I've got one. A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored guy go into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Get the f*ck out of here."- Pigskinheads: Yeah, that quote doesn't really have a lot to do with the Pigs, but I thought it was funny. In fact, I told that joke to my diversity sensitivity trainer during new hire orientation at my new job. She thought it was so funny she burst into tears. Good times, great oldies....
3. "And I'd like to leave my 1972 Gran Torino to... my friend... Thao Vang Lor. On the condition that you don't chop-top the roof like one of those beaners, don't paint any idiotic flames on it like some white trash hillbilly, and don't put a big, gay spoiler on the rear end like you see on all the other zipperheads' cars. It just looks like hell. If you can refrain from doing any of that... it's yours." - Thunderfoot Weavers: The Weavers are in a very precarious position...they could get knocked out of the money round by losses or points as they are one win up on the pack, but are 6th in the league in total points scored. If the Weavers are going to want to make it to the post-season they are going to need to win at least one more game and score enough points to win the tie breaker. They should be able to put away the Shivers this week, but then they have to play the chaotic Faces to close out the season....
2. "Ever notice how you come across somebody once in a while you shouldn't have f*cked with? That's me.' - Sleestacks: This is no team, it is a war machine...I really don't want to offend Jo right now, so I'm going to stop writing....
1. "I once fixed a door that wasn't even broken yet." - ChiliCheeseBigTops: Hey, thanks for c*ck blocking me on Brian Westbrook this morning! That was a sly move...now I gotta hope the corn fed cracker boy special needs RB for the Vikings can remember which end zone to run towards...
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Clamp Down!
So, your super genius of a commissioner went and locked himself out the league website, therefore, I'll have to post here to remind you about tomorrow night's game. If you have players going tomorrow, you have until, uh, 5 minutes before the game starts to get them in/out of your line up.
In completely unrelated news, I had a really stupid lunch today. I forgot all my cash at my desk and had to scrounge around the rolling landfill I call a car for enough change to order off of the Jack In The Box dollar menu. I usually love the two JITB tacos for 99 cents, but then I'm usually drunk off my ever lovin' arse when I normally eat them. I can't remember the last time I ate a JITB taco sober, let alone during daylight hours. Some things are definitely better drunk...like JITB tacos, church, and trips to Costco.
In completely unrelated news, I had a really stupid lunch today. I forgot all my cash at my desk and had to scrounge around the rolling landfill I call a car for enough change to order off of the Jack In The Box dollar menu. I usually love the two JITB tacos for 99 cents, but then I'm usually drunk off my ever lovin' arse when I normally eat them. I can't remember the last time I ate a JITB taco sober, let alone during daylight hours. Some things are definitely better drunk...like JITB tacos, church, and trips to Costco.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Mid-Season Power Poll
I'm don't remember if we have ever had a Power Poll inspired by 'The Jerk', if we have I apologize for the redundancy...if we have not, well, enjoy!
8. "I'm gonna bounce back and when I do I'm gonna buy you a diamond so big it's gonna make you puke!" - The Vugs: There are a couple of things going well for The Vugs; Darren McFadden has turned into a bona fide #1 FF RB...Philip Rivers is on pace to throw for 5200 yards...and that's about it. Injuries and poor play have done this team in, and the reserves aren't doing a whole lot to stem the bleeding. Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, I finally realized that I was mispronouncing the name of my favorite hot sauce...Tapatio is pronounced tah-pah-tee-o, not tah-PAHTEE-o. I was placing the accent on the wrong syllable, proving once again that I am an idiot.
7. "First I get my name in the phone book and now I'm on your ass. You know, I'll bet more people see that than the phone book." - Krakhos: This is the best awful team in MexFL history. I don't know how many more times I can write/say/sing that. If the Krakhos were an indie film, they would be Whip It, a clever movie with a great cast and writing that bombed at the box office. That's the complete opposite of every Tyler Perry film, films that are poorly written, acted, and directed that make barges of money. I'm really not sure what my point is and what Tyler Perry has to do with any of this, but any chance to rank on his awful movies is one I'll take. I suppose that makes me a racist or something...
6. "I've already given away eight pencils, two hoola dolls, and an ashtray, and I've only taken in fifteen dollars." - Sleestacks: No team has been more active on the waiver wires than the Sleestacks, and this paid early dividends. Now, not so much. In fact, I think this team is going through subtraction via addition. Marshawn Lynch has been more Beanie Baby than Beast Mode since joining the Seahawks. Hmmm, that was kind of fun to write...more Beanie Baby than Beast Mode...you know what's not so fun to write? Patty Murray still has a job...but this isn't a political blog...this is...'Sunday, Bloody Sunday'! 2, 3, 4 hit it Bono!
5. "I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it." - Thunderfoot Weavers: Another team rolling with a lot of waiver wire pickups and another team that is struggling more than they should be. I'd pick the Weavers over the Stacks though to make the playoffs, kind of like I'd pick Chipotle over Taco Del Mar for lunch. Taco Del Mar is surprisingly mediocre after having a Chipotle burrito. Both make massive burritos for chubby gringos, but Taco Del Mar really mails their effort in more often than not. The burrito innards are always lukewarm, and I really hate lukewarm innards. Barf.
4. "Huh? I am *not* a bum. I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: my friends, and... uh... my thermos." - Honey Faces: The Faces are on the verge of falling out of the playoff race. They need to start scoring points and winning to stay ahead of the pack. Speaking of packs...one of the worst moments in 80's metal history was when Twisted Sister covered 'Leader Of The Pack'. Every single fiber of good will Twisted Sister earned via two somewhat clever videos were p*ssed away with that move.
3. "Well I'm gonna to go then! And I don't need any of this. I don't need this stuff, and I don't need *you*. I don't need anything. Except this. And that's the only thing I need is *this*. I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray... And this paddle game. - The ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need... And this remote control. - The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need... And these matches. - The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control, and the paddle ball... And this lamp. - The ashtray, this paddle game, and the remote control, and the lamp, and that's all *I* need. And that's *all* I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one... I need this. - The paddle game and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches for sure." - Pigskinheads: The pigs have really stuck to their guns, sticking with Michael Turner and Kyle Orton when others would have tossed them on the trash heap of past fantasy busts. Rob Bironas has really carried this team, so that should be kind of scary. Having a kicker carry your fantasy team would be like having a sax player carry your band. Nothing is more annoying than a sax solo, unless it is being played by the greased up orc wailing on the sax in the scene where Star meets Jason Patric's character in 'The Lost Boys'. Even that was annoying, and a little stupid, but I swear that sax guy was the orc army leader when Helm's Deep was attacked in 'The Two Towers'. I think I saw Tyrone Hill and Popeye Jones in there as well...
2. "You look so beautiful and peaceful, you almost look dead." - ChiliCheeseBigTops: I still think the Cheese are going to win it all. This team is loaded up and down the roster and really has nothing to worry about. So, you want to get a disapproving stare from an IHOP waitress? Next time you hit up an IHOP and they ask you how you would like your pancakes say, 'I like my pancakes the same way I like my women, sugar...short and stacked.' Hold of on the sugar if your waitress is a waiter, unless said waiter is gay. Who am I to judge?
1. "Nothing? Are you kidding? Page 73 - Johnson, Navin R.! I'm somebody now! Millions of people look at this book everyday! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity - your name in print - that makes people. I'm in print! Things are going to start happening to me now." - Whiskey Shivers: This team is headed for a collapse. Too many injuries, too many players on crappy teams, and leaning too much on last second waiver wire pickups to fill out his roster every week. Look for a 'he hates these cans' type situation from weeks 9-12 to knock the Shivers for a real loop. Speaking of whiskey...so, what happens if one of the two WA state liquor initiatives passes? Right now it looks like they are both going down, but there is a chance 1100 sneaks through...then what? Bathtub gin? Speakeasies? 5 gallon buckets of vodka on sale at Costco? I need to know!!!!
8. "I'm gonna bounce back and when I do I'm gonna buy you a diamond so big it's gonna make you puke!" - The Vugs: There are a couple of things going well for The Vugs; Darren McFadden has turned into a bona fide #1 FF RB...Philip Rivers is on pace to throw for 5200 yards...and that's about it. Injuries and poor play have done this team in, and the reserves aren't doing a whole lot to stem the bleeding. Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, I finally realized that I was mispronouncing the name of my favorite hot sauce...Tapatio is pronounced tah-pah-tee-o, not tah-PAHTEE-o. I was placing the accent on the wrong syllable, proving once again that I am an idiot.
7. "First I get my name in the phone book and now I'm on your ass. You know, I'll bet more people see that than the phone book." - Krakhos: This is the best awful team in MexFL history. I don't know how many more times I can write/say/sing that. If the Krakhos were an indie film, they would be Whip It, a clever movie with a great cast and writing that bombed at the box office. That's the complete opposite of every Tyler Perry film, films that are poorly written, acted, and directed that make barges of money. I'm really not sure what my point is and what Tyler Perry has to do with any of this, but any chance to rank on his awful movies is one I'll take. I suppose that makes me a racist or something...
6. "I've already given away eight pencils, two hoola dolls, and an ashtray, and I've only taken in fifteen dollars." - Sleestacks: No team has been more active on the waiver wires than the Sleestacks, and this paid early dividends. Now, not so much. In fact, I think this team is going through subtraction via addition. Marshawn Lynch has been more Beanie Baby than Beast Mode since joining the Seahawks. Hmmm, that was kind of fun to write...more Beanie Baby than Beast Mode...you know what's not so fun to write? Patty Murray still has a job...but this isn't a political blog...this is...'Sunday, Bloody Sunday'! 2, 3, 4 hit it Bono!
5. "I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it." - Thunderfoot Weavers: Another team rolling with a lot of waiver wire pickups and another team that is struggling more than they should be. I'd pick the Weavers over the Stacks though to make the playoffs, kind of like I'd pick Chipotle over Taco Del Mar for lunch. Taco Del Mar is surprisingly mediocre after having a Chipotle burrito. Both make massive burritos for chubby gringos, but Taco Del Mar really mails their effort in more often than not. The burrito innards are always lukewarm, and I really hate lukewarm innards. Barf.
4. "Huh? I am *not* a bum. I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: my friends, and... uh... my thermos." - Honey Faces: The Faces are on the verge of falling out of the playoff race. They need to start scoring points and winning to stay ahead of the pack. Speaking of packs...one of the worst moments in 80's metal history was when Twisted Sister covered 'Leader Of The Pack'. Every single fiber of good will Twisted Sister earned via two somewhat clever videos were p*ssed away with that move.
3. "Well I'm gonna to go then! And I don't need any of this. I don't need this stuff, and I don't need *you*. I don't need anything. Except this. And that's the only thing I need is *this*. I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray... And this paddle game. - The ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need... And this remote control. - The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need... And these matches. - The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control, and the paddle ball... And this lamp. - The ashtray, this paddle game, and the remote control, and the lamp, and that's all *I* need. And that's *all* I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one... I need this. - The paddle game and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches for sure." - Pigskinheads: The pigs have really stuck to their guns, sticking with Michael Turner and Kyle Orton when others would have tossed them on the trash heap of past fantasy busts. Rob Bironas has really carried this team, so that should be kind of scary. Having a kicker carry your fantasy team would be like having a sax player carry your band. Nothing is more annoying than a sax solo, unless it is being played by the greased up orc wailing on the sax in the scene where Star meets Jason Patric's character in 'The Lost Boys'. Even that was annoying, and a little stupid, but I swear that sax guy was the orc army leader when Helm's Deep was attacked in 'The Two Towers'. I think I saw Tyrone Hill and Popeye Jones in there as well...
2. "You look so beautiful and peaceful, you almost look dead." - ChiliCheeseBigTops: I still think the Cheese are going to win it all. This team is loaded up and down the roster and really has nothing to worry about. So, you want to get a disapproving stare from an IHOP waitress? Next time you hit up an IHOP and they ask you how you would like your pancakes say, 'I like my pancakes the same way I like my women, sugar...short and stacked.' Hold of on the sugar if your waitress is a waiter, unless said waiter is gay. Who am I to judge?
1. "Nothing? Are you kidding? Page 73 - Johnson, Navin R.! I'm somebody now! Millions of people look at this book everyday! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity - your name in print - that makes people. I'm in print! Things are going to start happening to me now." - Whiskey Shivers: This team is headed for a collapse. Too many injuries, too many players on crappy teams, and leaning too much on last second waiver wire pickups to fill out his roster every week. Look for a 'he hates these cans' type situation from weeks 9-12 to knock the Shivers for a real loop. Speaking of whiskey...so, what happens if one of the two WA state liquor initiatives passes? Right now it looks like they are both going down, but there is a chance 1100 sneaks through...then what? Bathtub gin? Speakeasies? 5 gallon buckets of vodka on sale at Costco? I need to know!!!!
Monday, November 1, 2010
Strange Days Indeed
I don't think I remember an NFL season this odd....Randy Moss has been released by the Vikings, just 4 weeks after being traded to them by the Patriots. He must either be the biggest locker room cancer this side of asbestos insulation, or his skills have eroded to the point he could guest star on The Walking Dead (which was kind of boring, by the way...and I'm kind of over the whole zombie thing...even Zombieland sucked...some one needs to come up with a new zombie angle, like make them talk or juggle and instead of eating you they just try and make you a ham sandwich...not pastrami, not turkey, just ham...which may offend Jewish and Muslim viewers simultaneously and show both sides that they are both tragically wrong when it comes to ham...world peace ensues!). I'm leaning towards locker room cancer/disruption. His post game rant yesterday was far from clever and I really have no idea why he'd be angry with the media, so I doubt that's why the Vikings released him. I have a feeling that he wreaked more havoc on that team's chemistry than cousin Oliver did during his one ill-fated season on the Brady Bunch...and that's saying a lot, which is why I am an internet sensation. I'm not afraid to tell people like IT IS, especially when talking about THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE!!!!
Randy Moss is one of history's greatest monsters, right up there with Hitler and Paul Bunyan.
Randy Moss is one of history's greatest monsters, right up there with Hitler and Paul Bunyan.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Power Poll!
Sweet Holy Basil! The Whiskey Shivers and Honey Faces are #1 and #2 in the standings. The last time this happened was...uh....I think....never! For the last couple of years my team has been languishing in the basement alongside a cardboard box of Playboy back issues and that Puerto Rican cabana boy I killed just so I could feel alive again. No, scratch that...there are no Playboys in my basement. I don't even have a basement, just a crawl space....
So, the Taylor bros are leading the MexFL, and that's downright crazy. However, to honor this accomplishment I bring you a Step Brothers inspired Power Poll:
8. "This house is a f*cking prison! On planet bullsh*t! In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel D*cks!!!" - The Vugs: I don't really have a lot to say about The Vugs. I really don't. Yesterday I had some decent chicken teriyaki at some joint in Lynnwood. It was actual white meat chicken, so that's always a good time. The rice was a little too sticky though. The Mexican dude working the grill must have put too much water in the rice cooker. There's a sushi place in Lynnwood where Mexicans make the rolls. The Japanese owners must have though that burrito rolling translates well to sushi rolling. Who says diversity doesn't work? Not this guy...no way, Jose.
7. "You know that one scene in The Wizard Of Oz... when the flying monkeys pull apart the scarecrow? That's what it was like.": Krakhos - If the owner of the Krakhos went on a three state killing spree, I wouldn't be surprised. He's got the kind of luck Springsteen characters have, but instead of losing his job at the steel mill and knocking up Mary by the reservoir, his fantasy team under performs or key players get injured. Maybe The Boss can write a song about the Krakhos on his next album...'I was lookin' through my lineup/during a 15 minute break at work/I can't sign in to our network 'cause our IT guy blocked Sportsline, he's a real jerk/Peyton Manning has a bye week and fellas that really hurts/if I don't find a QB soon then my season is done/I got laid off, Mary's pregnant and the VA man says, 'Son, find a wireless signal and go with Big Ben/he was born to rape, and Chris Johnson was born to run.....
6. "Okay, here's the shot out of the cannon: Oprah, Barbara Walters, your wife. You gotta f*ck one, marry one, kill one, go!": Thunderfoot Weavers - If there was a category for leaving the most points on the bench week in and week out, the Weave would be leading the pack. I just looked over his lineup, and I gotta tell ya, I'm dumbfounded...or just dumb. Starting Ryan Fitzpatrick at Baltimore? That's so crazy it has to be brilliant. Or it's so brilliant it has to be crazy...
5. "Well the only reason you're living here, is because me and my dad decided that your mom was really hot, and maybe we should just both bang her, and we'll put up with the retard in the meantime.": Sleestacks - No team has done a better job of playing the waiver wire, using players once, and then dumping them for a better option. This team is 21 points away from being in position to make the playoffs with about a 50% roster turnover. On paper, this team should be dominating the league, but injuries and bad matchups have taken a toll....but I expect this team to make the playoffs.
4. "Chewbacca masks! It's okay that mines not movie quality.": Pigskinheads - The Pigs have been winning even though Michael Turner can be considered a bust this year. This week the Pigs are rolling out not one, but two Dallas WRs, an unprecedented move. The Cowboys were supposed to be a playoff team this year, but like a molded rubber Chewie mask they are nothing more than a cheap replica. Will the Pigs make the playoffs? Maybe, but they will need something out of Michael 'The Burner' Turner...and 'Burner' will take on an ironic meaning if MT continues to underwhelm as he was drafted in the first round of most drafts.
3. "You and your mom are hillbillies. This is a house of learned doctors.": ChiliCheeseBigTops - The Cheese have been dismantling teams with cold and clinical precision. I have no idea how they lost two games as they appear unbeatable on paper. This team's bench can beat most starting lineups. Anyhoo, I really like the word 'hillbillies'...I also like 'chimichanga'...I wish a restaurant served a Cajun Hillbilly Chimichanga, although Cajuns don't really live in the hills being bog dwellers like Shrek. I guess a Cajun Hillbilly Chimichanga is nonsensical, but so is a Mexican Pizza and those are delicious.
2. "Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I'm looking good, got a luscious v of hair going through my chest pubes down to my ball fro. She takes one look at me and goes, "Oh my god, I've had the old bull now I want the young calf" and she grabs me by the weiner.": Honey Faces - The Faces have done a nice job of mixing up their lineup with youngsters and proven vets. Being 5-1 and leaning hard on a rejuvenated LT and a surprisingly effective TO was something I thought to be unlikely. In fact, I thought this team would be 1-5 at this point in the season, but what the hell do I know?
1. "I have a belly full of white dog crap in me, and now you lay this sh*t on me?": Whiskey Shivers - This team is the epitome of lucky breaks and just being plain lucky. But I see dark times ahead...QBs one and two are hurt, WR production has been inconsistent, one RB plays for a certifiable lunatic, Fred Taylor might be dead but the Patriots are hiding the body, and they have to play the waiver wire for Ks and a D every week. This team is winning with crack smoke and coke mirrors and when the run ends, it will end badly....
We are almost to the middle of the season, there is still lots of time to make a run, so don't give up. Every year we have a team win a tie breaker with points scored, so even if you lose you may be a winner as long as you put up points...if you lose and only score 54 points, well...that's not gonna cut it.
So, the Taylor bros are leading the MexFL, and that's downright crazy. However, to honor this accomplishment I bring you a Step Brothers inspired Power Poll:
8. "This house is a f*cking prison! On planet bullsh*t! In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel D*cks!!!" - The Vugs: I don't really have a lot to say about The Vugs. I really don't. Yesterday I had some decent chicken teriyaki at some joint in Lynnwood. It was actual white meat chicken, so that's always a good time. The rice was a little too sticky though. The Mexican dude working the grill must have put too much water in the rice cooker. There's a sushi place in Lynnwood where Mexicans make the rolls. The Japanese owners must have though that burrito rolling translates well to sushi rolling. Who says diversity doesn't work? Not this guy...no way, Jose.
7. "You know that one scene in The Wizard Of Oz... when the flying monkeys pull apart the scarecrow? That's what it was like.": Krakhos - If the owner of the Krakhos went on a three state killing spree, I wouldn't be surprised. He's got the kind of luck Springsteen characters have, but instead of losing his job at the steel mill and knocking up Mary by the reservoir, his fantasy team under performs or key players get injured. Maybe The Boss can write a song about the Krakhos on his next album...'I was lookin' through my lineup/during a 15 minute break at work/I can't sign in to our network 'cause our IT guy blocked Sportsline, he's a real jerk/Peyton Manning has a bye week and fellas that really hurts/if I don't find a QB soon then my season is done/I got laid off, Mary's pregnant and the VA man says, 'Son, find a wireless signal and go with Big Ben/he was born to rape, and Chris Johnson was born to run.....
6. "Okay, here's the shot out of the cannon: Oprah, Barbara Walters, your wife. You gotta f*ck one, marry one, kill one, go!": Thunderfoot Weavers - If there was a category for leaving the most points on the bench week in and week out, the Weave would be leading the pack. I just looked over his lineup, and I gotta tell ya, I'm dumbfounded...or just dumb. Starting Ryan Fitzpatrick at Baltimore? That's so crazy it has to be brilliant. Or it's so brilliant it has to be crazy...
5. "Well the only reason you're living here, is because me and my dad decided that your mom was really hot, and maybe we should just both bang her, and we'll put up with the retard in the meantime.": Sleestacks - No team has done a better job of playing the waiver wire, using players once, and then dumping them for a better option. This team is 21 points away from being in position to make the playoffs with about a 50% roster turnover. On paper, this team should be dominating the league, but injuries and bad matchups have taken a toll....but I expect this team to make the playoffs.
4. "Chewbacca masks! It's okay that mines not movie quality.": Pigskinheads - The Pigs have been winning even though Michael Turner can be considered a bust this year. This week the Pigs are rolling out not one, but two Dallas WRs, an unprecedented move. The Cowboys were supposed to be a playoff team this year, but like a molded rubber Chewie mask they are nothing more than a cheap replica. Will the Pigs make the playoffs? Maybe, but they will need something out of Michael 'The Burner' Turner...and 'Burner' will take on an ironic meaning if MT continues to underwhelm as he was drafted in the first round of most drafts.
3. "You and your mom are hillbillies. This is a house of learned doctors.": ChiliCheeseBigTops - The Cheese have been dismantling teams with cold and clinical precision. I have no idea how they lost two games as they appear unbeatable on paper. This team's bench can beat most starting lineups. Anyhoo, I really like the word 'hillbillies'...I also like 'chimichanga'...I wish a restaurant served a Cajun Hillbilly Chimichanga, although Cajuns don't really live in the hills being bog dwellers like Shrek. I guess a Cajun Hillbilly Chimichanga is nonsensical, but so is a Mexican Pizza and those are delicious.
2. "Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I'm looking good, got a luscious v of hair going through my chest pubes down to my ball fro. She takes one look at me and goes, "Oh my god, I've had the old bull now I want the young calf" and she grabs me by the weiner.": Honey Faces - The Faces have done a nice job of mixing up their lineup with youngsters and proven vets. Being 5-1 and leaning hard on a rejuvenated LT and a surprisingly effective TO was something I thought to be unlikely. In fact, I thought this team would be 1-5 at this point in the season, but what the hell do I know?
1. "I have a belly full of white dog crap in me, and now you lay this sh*t on me?": Whiskey Shivers - This team is the epitome of lucky breaks and just being plain lucky. But I see dark times ahead...QBs one and two are hurt, WR production has been inconsistent, one RB plays for a certifiable lunatic, Fred Taylor might be dead but the Patriots are hiding the body, and they have to play the waiver wire for Ks and a D every week. This team is winning with crack smoke and coke mirrors and when the run ends, it will end badly....
We are almost to the middle of the season, there is still lots of time to make a run, so don't give up. Every year we have a team win a tie breaker with points scored, so even if you lose you may be a winner as long as you put up points...if you lose and only score 54 points, well...that's not gonna cut it.
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